a) I'm a dad again and J. is an awesome little soul
b) Milo, the world's best Chihuahua, has gone to live with a wonderful family, and we miss him so
c) Lots of photography, none that I can share - yet
d) Several neat web things are in the works
e) I have about 2 hours a day, at best, all for myself
f) If you write me, keep e) in mind.

Life is great; life is very full. I am not gone. But I am not here.

I'm hopeful in my assumption that it was a barbeque, but I didn't respond to the invitation because I was afraid.

Very afraid.

"Oh my God! Is this like... totally okay that I'm tearing into this highly processed amalgam of anuses, random organ meat, and rat feces in front of you?" they'll ask.

You already know I'm unbelievably suave, so to this question I tilt my head back, smirk, and say something like, "You know, so long as you don't regurgitate chunks of it into my mouth, like a momma bird, I think we're cool."

"Oh my God! That's like... so cool of you! I mean... I would've like totally turned away or like sat somewhere else." Then they lean in and whisper, "Because I know you're vegetarian, and I don't want to hurt your feelings."

My feelings are never involved when you decide to stuff yourself with what this culture so loosely refers to as "meat". If you bought it for $0.89 at an AM-PM and it fills your stomach, trust me, you didn't eat meat.

Me: Yes. Weird. Okay, bring up Help.
Mom: How do I do that?

Me: Hit F1.
Mom: What, the key?

Me: Yes. The F1 key. On your keyboard. Press the F1 key to bring up help.
Mom: Do I have to hold it down?

Me: No, you don't hold the key down. Just press it once. It's a computer, Mom, not a leaky toilet.

Several days ago it sat slightly askew - but not dangling - making it appear certain that just another purchase would liberate this savory, cheesy snack. Alas, it was not meant to be. Over the days, several tortured souls have wagered money only to watch the advancing screw turn and turn, all for naught. Now that sad little bag of delicious cheesiness is trapped like a frightened animal underneath the treat-advancing screw mechanism. No amount of additional purchases - not even a spastically uncoordinated grab-the-sides-of-the-machine-and-shake - could save it now.

Stand firm, delicious cheese snack, the White Knight from Aramark will liberate you Wednesday.

UPDATE: Photographic Evidence