Dear America,

I take it you're in love with Ranch Dressing. More specifically, you love anything that evokes Ranch flavoring.

There are so many products, though, not yet infused with Ranch flavoring. Immediately comes to mind: envelope glue, chewing gum, toothpaste, condoms, cigarette filters, baby pacifiers, chewable vitamins, and drinking straws impregnated with Ranch crystals so that any beverage, regardless of its viscosity, can be turned into a creamy, tangy sludge the instant it enters your mouth.

Can Ranch scented antiperspirant, sneaker inserts, and maxipads be considered wildly improbable concepts?

I think not.