Another story from the Roots file. To get caught up, read this, this, and then this. Really, I think you should. I'm not going anywhere, so do it now.

New Kids on the Block were staying at the Four Seasons Hotel and it was supposed to be some sort of Really Big Deal for Vancouver.

Do you ever find your contempt for something rising just because something is so popular, and you just don't get the whole thing about it, that your contempt escalates almost out of control? New Kids on the Block was that for me.

The mall was buzzing because there'd apparently been sightings of this wunderkind boy band. Most malls have a weird store-to-store culture going on. Noddy the Shoe Guy from the shoe store across the way, Miss Perkins the Gap girl, or Leo the Lethargic from Eddie Bauer - most would stop by for a mope or a bitch session on most days. This is mall culture. You don't want any part of it.

Heavy smoker that I was at the time, I left the store to, well, smoke, and apparently I'd had the great misfortune to miss the visit from The Wunderkinds. My staff filled me in on the details, what they almost bought but didn't, and who left a sweat stain on what shirt. Yeah, okay, thank you for that. I so did not need that.

ENTER: Four young teenaged girls.

The bopped, they shopped, they asked if The Wunderkinds had been by.

"Oh, well. . . you kind of just missed them," one of the staff said.

This was the girls' cue to scream. I'm not kidding, it was a real scream. The kind horror movies never quite get right, because I think they tone them down or something.

People outside the store stopped and did double-takes. Up went my hands like an orchestra conductor, trying to shush them.

One girl, breathily asked, "what. . . did. . . they. . . touch?"

The staff took them on a tour of the store, like some perverted retail reliquary. I kept thinking, Show them the expensive handbags! Tell them they all bought handbags!

Exhausted from her emotions, one girl collapsed into a cross-legged sit, and began to weep. (I'm really not making this up.)

Just then, Leo the Lethargic came in, stepped around the girl, and said, "Is this a bad time for a visit?"